Therapy for Fawning
aka: chronic people pleasing, codependency, masking, the “good” kid, appeasing, and threat-based code-switching
It’s survival response. Self-abandonment in exchange for relational safety and survival.
A deep, painful internal longing is still holding the torch for embodied authenticity and an aligned, meaningful life. This is your resilience.
The Fawn Response:
After flight, freeze, and fight, Pete Walker, MA, MFT conceptualized the fawn response. The fawn response uses the social engagement system to maneuver unsafe relationships. It means being an expert in another person’s psychology and adapting yourself to that person’s needs and desires in order to minimize harm and find safety.
An overactive, chronic fawn response is often created in response to ongoing interpersonal maltreatment such as: childhood trauma, emotional neglect, narcissistic abuse, emotional abuse, psychological abuse, verbal abuse, sexual abuse, financial abuse, physical abuse, toxic work environments, medical abuse, toxic friendships, coercive control, parentification, immigration, discrimination, oppression of marginalized communities, and more.
The burnout is real. The stress that builds from living in relational hyper-vigilance, over-performing in relationships/work, and living a life that’s for someone else eventually wears on the body, mind, and soul. People often describe feeling alienated, disassociated, and disconnected from themselves. And maybe most profoundly, they find their authenticity to be a threat in their environment and relationships.
Lots of self-deprivation and little self-compassion.
Fawners take on so much from their environment and convince themselves (or be convinced of) their control of it. It can translate into strong self-hatred and negative self-talk. This can substantiate and lead to continual self-neglect.
Hypervigilance to other people’s moods.
You immediately know another person’s desires and feelings, and work to mold yourself into what they need from you. It’s an automatic, quick self-abandonment. In return, you are uncertain if the other person knows you and you struggle (or it’s unsafe) to ask for support.
Overly and inappropriately responsible.
You are quick to meet another person’s needs without considering your capacity or values. You can take blame and be accountable for other people or environments like nobody’s business. Perfectionism, compulsive caretaking, workaholism, and chronic self-sacrifice are a result.
Difficulty being seen and treated as your own person.
Boundaries and saying no are a challenge. Conversely, difficulty expressing wholehearted yeses in the face of an environment or people saying no. Authenticity feels dangerous and like a total hassle. It can look like being adaptable, easy going, and “good.” But actually, little is even known to you about being your own person.
Healing a Chronic Fawn Response
from: Self-abandonment in exchange for relational safety and survival.
to: Being myself, in my body, creates meaningful, mutually nourishing relationships with my world and myself.*
*And when it’s not safe, I can choose to fawn (or flight, freeze, fight) and take care of myself afterwards.
Fawning is a body-led, automatic relational survival response.
Body-led:
Let your body and second-brain (the gut) tell the story of who you are and what’s happening through Somatic and EMDR therapies.
Automatic:
Practice taking a mindful pause and making conscious assessments and choices with Gestalt and Mindfulness-based therapies.
Relational:
Build a compassionate connection to your authenticity and maintain it in community with Social Justice, IFS and Attachment therapies.
